This has been such a hard week. A week since I found out I am pregnant, and I am so anxious about it. I have moments of panic that clench my heart or stomach and make it hard to sit still. I have noticed that doing anything takes a lot of work right now. I can’t keep my mind on my work, I’m not hungry and I have to work to eat, work to go out with friends, but I hate being alone. I can really even muster up the commitment to crochet or bike like I used to. I’m not even writing that much! I think it’s getting better, but I’m really struggling.
The thing is, I’m in a really good place to have a baby. I’m 36, I know who I am, my education and finances are good and I’m in a loving and committed marriage. Why is this so hard? Millions of women have done this since the beginning of time, many of them in worse situations. Yet I am anxious and terrified.
And what really gets me right now, is thinking about how I’ve changed. No matter what happens to the baby, in this one little week, I’ve already changed, as has Cohiba and our relationship. We will never been the same, just after these seven days.
One doesn’t often have a week like that.
I talked to some people about my fears. One of them is that I will lose myself, my identity. So to make sure that DOESN’T happen, I think I have to be more intentional about how I keep my identity. So, here on Creo Somnium, I still want to focus on art and creativity, but I will also focus more on pregnancy, hopefully to help me combat my fears.