Today seems like it has been a full circle. This morning, I wrote this:
I heard one of those songs today about mortality, reminding me that everything will pass. Everyone will die. That nothing is permanent. Then in the end it reminded you that you are surrounded by awesome people, and tell ’em now they are the bee’s knees.
So I sat and thought about my friends and trusted people in my life, and they are awesome. I realized how they all spark something different in me, a different part of me that is really important. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I was in high school, I’d get into this mindset of when thinking about how good life is, and felt like I could sail through anything. I feel that for a minute and reflecting on how I have always wondered how to extend that minute to all the time. ‘Cause life is really cool.
Except I forgot to put deodorant on today, so that was lousy.
One day at a trial Tinkergarden class and a toddler nap-refusal (so missed nap for mommy) later…
I was losing it. I snapped at Cohiba (though that helped me keep patient with Wee One). Driving to yoga, I realized I was just feeling like an imposter, like I’m worse than who I say I am. Then I started questioning truth and what I know – it was a tailspin.
Fortunately, yoga is mercy. The breath and movement, only doing what the body allows because it’s good enough, an hour to be and quiet my thoughts. It was a class I don’t usually take, but I will again. Also, on the way, I heard the song Point To You on the Christian radio station.
How can I forgive when I can’t forgive myself
How can I move on when all I have is regrets
How can I fix you when I keep turning away
How can I make it past the noise with my shame
Of course. Shame. It has been with me my whole life and I don’t know how to shake it, or how to step out of it. Fuck you, shame. (Although, thinking in the spirit of yoga, maybe I don’t step out of it? Maybe I breathe and work with it?)
Now I’m having wine and a cigar and am glad the day is done. Do you have days like this? What helps you?