Existential Crisis

I’m sad to report that I’m currently recovering from a surprise hospital visit. I am light one gall bladder and hopefully will be able to eat dairy again. I’m happy to say goodbye to the 12 or so pounds I lost over the last two months, but overall, this was a really negative experience and I shan’t be trying it again.

Thursday was the worst.

I had been in national holiday limbo for over a day, not being allowed to eat and waiting for an anesthesiologist to come back to work on my gall bladder. I woke up with a migraine like I have never had before. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t stand light, I was sure I was going to vomit, though there was nothing in my stomach. Morphine didn’t even help.

The nurse gave me something stronger through my IV, and I could feel a dread push into me with it. I suddenly felt very meaningless and insignificant and like nothing I did mattered. What’s this life for? What is it all for? I was weak and hurting and there was nothing I could do to help myself but just wait, and I felt lost and discouraged.

I still feel fear to think about it.

But I tried to think scripture I liked, I reminded myself people were praying for me, reminded myself of other times I felt out of my depth, like when Wee One was born, asked for help on Facebook and asked to see the chaplain. It got better, particularly as my headache went away and I was able to eventually eat again. And may it never happen again.

What do you do during moments of existential doubt?







4 thoughts on “Existential Crisis

  1. I remind myself of the message in “Our Town.” I think that I will miss my life when I’m gone, and would give anything to relive even one day again — even a bad one, but hopefully just an ordinary one. So I try to get back to ordinary.

  2. I have an ongoing sci-fi story in my head, to which I add an episode whenever I need to focus on something outside myself. It’s been going for about 20 years now, so the backstory is massive!

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