Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. Soren Kierkegaard
I have been struggling for the past few days, again teetering on the edge of an existential crisis, similar to the one I had in the hospital this summer. I have been dizzy with the freedom of this life, and with the finite nature of it.
I never had such reminders of “life goes on” as having a child. Mothers are reminded every day how life carries on and people grow and change. Before Wee One, I could not think about it. I went to work, had cigars on Friday, planned trips. Just life, pretty much the same. With WO, I see how she develops and grows every day. Her vocabulary, her gestures, her capabilities… My baby turned toddler is nearly a young child, and didn’t that go by in a blink? I can’t escape seeing how time is passing.
This past weekend, my next door neighbor’s daughter had her homecoming dance this past weekend, and we went over for WO to see her dress. (“Princess!”) I watched the daughter and her date, and remembered my own homecomings. Then I remembered even before high school, imagining what my formal dances would be like. Really, imagining what my life would look like. Who would be my boyfriend? How would we meet? How would my apartment look? What would my job be like? What would going out with girlfriends look like? Everything that I had seen in movies, I imagined it for myself and how it would look in my life.
I have done all those things. I turned 40 this year – is that part of this overwhelm? There is not much I’m daydreaming about, so now what? Has anyone else had this? Is this normal mid-life crisis stuff?
Last time I posted about this, someone commented that he has a story he pulls out to work on when he feels like this, and I think that’s a good idea: I’m off to write something. I also signed up for a Coursera course and will maybe take something arty. I’ll let you know how that goes.