I’ve been silent for the past several weeks, not trying to write or respond to prompts like I usually have. On Sunday night, I got my last three PhD applications in. I did eight in all, and am still considering applying to Oxford or the London School of Economics.
I’ve been working on this for several months, although I wish I had gone longer. Crash studying for the GREs and figuring out how to describe my research interests, seeking out scholars, trying to figure out what I want to do. Making sure all the scores and transcripts and references are sent in the particular format the school requires. And writing. Writing. Writing. Making my personal statement sing, or at least warble, enough that they will want to hear more. Then suddenly, with a “send” to UC-Santa Cruz…
I’m done. Now, I feel like the ground is suddenly taken out from under me and I’m a little directionless. This happens after I finish something. After my thesis, after every semester of my school, anything big, it’s like I’ve been sprinting and I’m suddenly out of track, and I’m not going anymore. Instead of being anxious about going, I’m anxious about NOT going. “What do I need to do? What do I do? Is XYZ done? I’ve got some time now, what should I work on? Should I lay about and watch TV? But what if there’s more…”
Does that happen to anyone else? Fortunately, I wrote this earlier in the week, and today, I think I have something to say again. I have ground under me again. I’m starting to run again.