At poignant times like this, the birth or death of a love one, a sacred chasm is open and it is easier to peer into and make sense of things beyond.
In the past year since we have moved from Seattle, I have wondered what the hell God has been doing. I think I wrote in here before: I wanted to have an idea of what house we would buy by Thanksgiving. I searched and searched, and not only found nothing, also realized there were other constraints. I was so frustrated by so many things.
Finally, in the spring, I just accepted that this was life a little bit. I began writing more (freelance), made better friends with my neighbors and the little kids around here. A small part of me wondered about my father-in-law. He had a lot of health problems and I wondered if our presence here would be significant.
Since my father-in-law’s passing, I have reflected on God’s hand in all this, and feel ashamed for doubting. I was like Sarah in the Old Testament, who doubted God would enable them to have a child in their advanced age. (Gee, advanced maternal age: that’s familiar.)
We got to spend a year living with him before he died; he got to know his granddaughter, something he feared he would not do, and she loved him, though she won’t remember it. Now, we can be with my MIL to support her. None of these things would have happened had we operated from OUR plan.
Right now, I wish I hadn’t questioned or doubted. I wish I had spent more time appreciating and being present. Like Jesus said in the New Testament, after another famous doubter, Thomas. ‘Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed.’ (That’s in John 20:29, for those interested.) I’m afraid I turned down a blessing in my doubt.
Let this be a lesson to me; oft learned and never remembered. Let this time be different.
How about you? Have you doubted and later seen all the pieces fit?