Legacy, or Writing For Throwback Thursday

March 31, 2016March 30, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ Leave a comment

I have been thinking about legacy lately, which was the word of this Daily Prompt. (I still hate the one-word thing, but it works for me today.)

I was thinking about the best way to save for her future and then I was thinking about writing up a will (now that I have a child) and who I would name as beneficiaries for my belongings. At first, I was thinking of things like books and CDs, and it was like the Senior Wills we wrote in our last year of high school. “Would I leave certain books to my social work friends and other books to religious friend?”

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My Top Ten Favorite Things Right Now

March 29, 2016April 10, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ Leave a comment

This is a list of 10 things I really love right now. I will not say I’m “obsessed,” because I hate the overuse of that word (I have seen obsession, and this is not it), but they are things I really appreciate in my life right now, in no particular order.

The drive through at Starbucks. I love being able to drive through and get coffee. So easy.
The pool at the gym I just joined – I joined a gym! I’ve never done that before, but it has childcare, so the Wee One is tended to for up to two hours. I have started swimming thi week and love it. This accomplishes one of the goals on my 52/52 challenge.
My ergo. I’ve loved it since I had it. It’s quick, easy, and keeps my hands free while I hold and love of my Wee One. (It’s also valuable and useful for Syrian refugees, as used by the Carry The Future organization. If you have an extra carrier no longer in use, I highly recommend this organization.)
My crothet hooks. I’ve started making some things I hope I can sell with some friends who are vendors in a few Ren Fairs in the Midwest.
Pens for drawing zentangle. Which I haven’t been doing as much, in favor of doing the above.
This computer for writing. Which, again, I haven’t been doing much of in favor of crocheting, and of doing the following:
Candy Mania – It’s one of those Candy Crush-like games that you can download onto your iPhone, but the other week when I was dying with the stomach flu, it kept me company and entertained.
Giving the Wee One her bedtime bottle. It’s the first part of her bedtime routine and we sit in the recliner and watch something. Since she doesn’t take as many bottles, she doesn’t sit in my lap and eat like she used to. This is one last warm and snuggly little time. For a second, I thought about getting rid of it, but for right now, I’m not going to fix what isn’t broken!
The Kindermusik class I go to with the Wee One. After about a month, she has become more comfortable crawling around and interacting with other babies and the teacher, which I like to see, and it helps me learn different ways to interact with her, to play with her. And she likes music, so it’s good. The teacher is kind of weird, and I get the feeling that it’s like a posh little club and you’re lucky to get in, but still.
My mom squad. I have a squad. 38 years old and I have a squad. But we’re an awesome team, particularly for only having known each other for several months and for having four toddlers to look after.

Top Ten Favorite Memories of the Wee One

March 1, 2016March 1, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ Leave a comment

The Wee One has just finished her first full week as a one year old, and in honor of that, I’ve been thinking about (and now I’m going to share with you) my top favorite memories of her this past year. They’re in no particular order.

The first time I saw her. Of course, right? I had no idea what to expect, but I did think she’d be wailing. She wasn’t. She was chill from the beginning.
Sleeping with her. I was NOT going to be a bed-sharer with my baby, but I did. She didn’t like her bassinet, I didn’t like her sleeping in the swing without the buckle (she was swaddled), and it just worked for us. When it stopped working, we changed it, but I loved doing it and would advise any new mom not to worry about it if they’re doing it.
Seeing her smile at me first thing in the morning. This was one of the best parts of sleeping with her.
Realizing she wanted to face me. Again, when we were sleeping. She wasn’t trying to nurse, but she’s a snuggly bug. It helped me trust that we were forming a strong bond.
Camping with her. We camped in the lower Cascades the weekend of her 6 month birthday, so she can brag about that. The night was a little rough, for me as least. I was afraid of her crying and bothering the other campers, so I sat up with her a lot of the night and nursed her. It was uncomfortable and tiring. But the next morning, we put her into a goose down jacket and she and I sat next to each other in a big camping chair. I drank coffee and smelled the morning woodsy goodness, and it made up for the crappy night.
Realizing she twirled her hair. When he hair finally got long enough, she started reaching for it and pulling on it. I’ve noticed she wraps her little thumb around it. She also twirls my hair sometimes when I’m rocking her to sleep. I love this, because I’m a hair twirler (as are my mother and my aunt) and I used to twirl my mom’s hair, too. #generations #family
How she slept on my chest the first month. She was just a little pumpkin seed, a lumpy sock, and she loved sleeping on me.
Hearing her get excited to see a mirror. Even today, when I go shopping, I just park her in front of a mirror and she has the best time. I wish we all were so gleeful at the sight of our reflections like she is.
Wearing her. I first put her in a Moby wrap when she was probably a week old, maybe a little older. (We were kept in the hospital a few days longer than normal since I had such a hard time.) It was super cold, so we were only out there a few minutes, she was really bundled up, and the wrap was over her face for the few minutes we were out there. But I pulled it back at one point to show her the sunlight. But wearing her is like getting a hug the whole time.
Our bedtime routine. The four B’s: Bottle (or breast), Brush (teeth), Book, Bed. Every time. I let her take a turn holding the toothbrush and then we sit down in the glider and first I read her the story and then let her “read it to me,” flip through the pages. We rock and talk. Then, I turn off the light and turn on the white noise machine. When I turn the machine on, she automatically puts her head on my shoulder: she knows what’s going on. Sometimes she sings along with me and hums while I hum. When I’m done singing, I tell her “mommy loves you,” kiss her, and put a cross on her forehead before I leave. I love it.

Thanks for walking down memory lane with me, as I so often as you to do where the Wee One is concerned. 🙂

Top Ten Ways Going Out as a Mother is Like Going Out As A Tween

February 23, 2016April 10, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ 3 Comments

This week’s Top Ten Tuesday is brought to you by cigars and a whisky flight. (Oh yeah, and it’s the Wee One’s first birthday today! I lost my baby today and gained a toddler!)

Last Monday, a girlfriend and I went out and had so. Much. Fun. I mean, so much fun, and since then, I’ve been thinking about how similar going out after baby is to going out in junior high and early high school. Unlike previous Top Tens, these listed in the order in which they come up in a night.

(Note: This was in the early to mid 90’s, so we didn’t have the internet or even ubiquitous computers. We had landlines and cassette tapes. And acid washed jeans.)

You dress differently. In youth, since I was going out, I wanted to look cool. So I would wear the one shirt that was a little tighter/lower cut, the one I wouldn’t normally wear. When I go out after baby, I’m not worried about access to my boobs, and I knew I wouldn’t get any spit-up on my clothes!
You wear makeup, usually badly. In junior high, I wouldn’t wear makeup really, and when I did, it wasn’t put on very well. It wasn’t always even mine own make-up! I have found that post-Wee One, I wear make-up so rarely that I’ve kind of forgotten how to put it on. When we went out, my friend was wearing perfume – she got in the car and she DIDN’T smell like baby wipes. I was like, “What is that weird aroma?”
The first few minutes together are spent telling stories about how you got away. In junior high, the story may involve what you told your mother or what you had to go through to get a ride. After baby, you’re dancing around bedtimes and evading separation anxiety, so it can be hard to leave the house. My girlfriend’s daughter has strong separation anxiety right now and her husband distracted the child as my friend slid out the door. She said she could hear the baby’s wail as she went down the hall. On her way to the car, she tore her pants. “But I worked so hard to get out, and I couldn’t go back in and have to leave again, so fuck it.”
Once you get out, you go to a place you wouldn’t normally go. In junior high, we would go places our parents wouldn’t want to hang out, maybe even places we weren’t supposed to hang out. This time, my girlfriend and I went to a cigar bar, a place I used to go with fervor, as you well know, and I haven’t gotten to do as much since the Wee One came along.
One there, you tell everyone you meet that you got away. Not that we would do this in junior high, but there were several references to it amongst the group. When my girlfriend and I went out, we told the hostess at our restaurant, our waiter, then later, a bartender and a couple of strangers that we were having a girl’s night out.
You eat what normally wouldn’t or couldn’t. I feel weird drinking alcohol when I’m out with the Wee One, unless it’s wine and I’m in an Italian place. When I was a freshman in high school, I would go with girlfriends to Applebees and we would all order virgin strawberry daiquiris. We felt so cool drinking those, but we wouldn’t try to do it in front of our parents, who would look at us sideways.
You scream with laughter. As much as we loved our families as kids, and as much as we love our babies now, we felt free in a way we normally weren’t. We felt joyful and full of life, and that was our way of expressing it.
You talk to lots of people. When you’re finally out on your own in JH, you’re the one doing that talking, not your mother. Your opinion is the only one that matters. AB, you can suddenly make conversation with anyone about anything and stand there and talk for as long as you want! Which wasn’t always a good thing, as it might lead to #9
Get talked to by someone inappropriate. In JH, it was the creepy guy in the food court who kept smiling at you when he refilled his soda. This time, it was a guy at the craps table who thought he was slick in asking about my friend’s husband. (Now that I think about it, it was probably the same guy.)
Come away from it feeling very much alive. Both then and now, you laugh for days afterwards and hold on to the memories for a long time.

Weekend Coffee Share #16

February 21, 2016May 20, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ 1 Comment

If we were having coffee, your mouth would open at the sight of the bandage on my ring finger. What happened?! Girl, let me tell you, and this is going to get kind of gross. I was using my new mandolin slicer to cut bits of apple for the Wee One, and wouldn’t you know it, I sliced the corner of my finger off.*

You immediately grimace and gasp. It’s not as bad as it sounds but it sucked when it happened. At first I thought I would have to get stitches, but there was nothing to stitch together! And then I thought, how am I going to get her out of her high chair and into a car seat without bleeding all over the place? I was trying to keep it elevated and pressure on it, which meant I couldn’t do anything with her! It also meant I had a sanitary napkin wrapped around my finger, which was the only sanitary wound care thing we had in the house, and looked pretty funny.

Then, she started choking on one of those fucking apple slices! She ended up throwing up a little bit, which got it out, but I was so upset, more than about my finger. I got her out of her high chair and held her for awhile, during which time the bleeding slowed and eventually stopped. I had contacted a friend to come over and help with her, for which I am so thankful. She stayed here and I got a proper bandage.

If we were having coffee, you would ask about the Wee One’s birthday party. It was so much work, man. I didn’t know it would be so much work, but, we had it in the clubhouse of the apartment complex, which is probably why it felt like so much: I had to take everything there and bring it back, which meant packing and unpacking the car. But the Wee One had fun and I’m glad it’s done.

We’re briefly distracted by some kids player soccer in the parking lot outside. I hope that doesn’t last long, you observe, given the traffic that comes through.

If we were having coffee, I would comment on one of the babies at the birthday party: she turned four months yesterday, which is about the age the Wee One was when we moved out here. It was remarkable to hold her and compare between then and now.

She’s a year old now. I can tell that she isn’t a baby anymore, but she’s not quite a toddler yet either. (Though that may mostly because because she’s still not mobile.) I can’t tell if I’m sad or not; I mostly just want to hold the Wee One closer. Which I usually want to do anyway. Also, my first year of motherhood is over. Even with a second, it won’t be my first time through. This special sacred tremulous time is over. Of course, now it’s my first time mothering a toddler, so here’s to that, I say with a smile, raising my coffee.

*It has made typing this week quite difficult!

Be Happy

February 2, 2016February 2, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ 8 Comments

First of all, today is my birthday. 🙂 This year has been fantastic, mostly because – no, entirely because – the Wee One was in it. This time last year I was gargantuan and having trouble breathing on my waddle to the bathroom. Today, as I was crawling on the floor putting a new duvet cover on, my little girl was literally screaming with laughter. Screaming. She made me jump a few times, actually, it was such a surprise.

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“Le Cœur A Ses Raisons, Que La Raison Ne Connaît Point.”

January 27, 2016January 27, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ Leave a comment

“The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.”

This passage by Blaise Pascal came to my mind the other day as I was listening to a podcast on toddler tantrums. The Wee One isn’t a toddler yet, and is only starting to voice her displeasure when she doesn’t get something she wants. I’m still able to distract her and she moves along quite easily.

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Weekend Coffee Share #12

January 24, 2016May 20, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ Leave a comment

If we were having coffee, we would be meeting later than normal. Cohiba asked if I could take the Wee One during part of the morning, and so you and I arranged to meet in the afternoon. I offer to buy your coffee in thanks for your flexibility, but you wave me off. Its warm enough that we can sit outside, in the sun. Cohiba was right about the winter being better here, I comment to you, thinking of my friends in the Midwest who can’t even think about going outside without the wind cutting their face.

There is a father daughter couple sitting next to us; they look like farmers or ranchers. Their boots are heavy and mud-encrusted, and the brim of his hat is broad. Her jeans, though, are bejeweled around the pockets, which is incongruous with the muddy cuffs and army jacket. Incongruous, but it still works. “You go, girl,” I say quietly as they walk to their truck, and you laugh.

If we were having coffee, I would start to tell you about party planing I’m doing for Wee One’s first birthday. She turned 11 months yesterday! Ack! I had the hardest time coming up with a theme, but I have and I’m really happy about it. Now I’m thinking about decorations and pictures I want to take.

I didn’t realize party planning could be so fun, though! I think its because I’m celebrating something I love so much. I’m also trying to keep it inexpensive, so I’ve been trying to borrow a large number “1” for birthday photos a friend is taking. I haven’t been able to, though, so I’m going to draw something. Do you think that will look stupid? I ask, afraid that homemade will look tacky. Your mom did a lot of homemade stuff when you were little, you say, and you thought it worked.

Now that I think about it, my mom did a lot of homemade stuff, too, and I knew how much effort she put into it and felt special that she put so much consideration into the items. Making things for her is a way to put my love into action, I realize.

If we were having coffee, my birthday is coming up as well, you remind me, and ask if I]’m going to do anything special. I can’t really think of anything yet, I tell you, though I did make up a birthday list, which I usually put off. Perhaps I’ll try to go to dinner with friends? You suggest going paint balling. Seriously? I ask. You went a few months ago, you say, and had a blast. I think I want something a little more low-key.

I might fall back on an old favorite: having a mix Superbowl party and birthday party. I love the Superbowl, and it’s always around my birthday. Would you come? I ask, and you wave your hand at me. “I hate football,” you remind me, smiling.

There are two young kids couple sitting at a table next to us leaning on each other’s laps, looking at their phones, and kissing. We giggle and we try not to stare as we gather our belongings to leave. Oh, we remember those days well, and are glad they’re past.

Weekend Coffee Share #11

January 18, 2016May 20, 2016 ~ Sahara ~ 2 Comments

If we were having coffee, we would settle into our usual spots, noticing, for the first time, there are people we have seen in the weeks prior. They are regulars, as we are, and this makes us feel good. We smile at the “regular” label. After we settle with our drinks, I pull out a long glass bottle: homemade Irish cream, a Christmas gift from a friend. Isn’t this such a unique idea? I ask. I love Irish cream and its good, if not a little rough.

I tried to take the Wee One hiking this week, I tell you, because the weather was really nice where I live. It was not so nice, however, at the site of the park, less than 20 miles away. This take some getting used to: living in the mountains and how different things are at different elevations, even when the difference doesn’t seem that great.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had a bit of a rough week and some anxious thoughts. I wonder if I need to go back to counseling. I’m annoyed by it, frankly, because its fucking work that I don’t want to have to do. It certainly wouldn’t hurt, you point out, and I agree. I also think that becoming involved with a faith community would help as well. I reached out to a couple of friends about it.

Cohiba has been sick and staying away from the Wee One, so I haven’t been able to sleep in or get some time away from her recently. Fortunately, her sleep schedule is better than it’s ever been. She’s taking two solid naps a day and I think she’s sleeping longer in the early morning. Even better, she’s starting to entertain herself in her crib, giving me a bit more time if I need it.

She’s also started humming when I sing and rock her to sleep.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you about meeting with another mother and having a girls night: wine and movies. It was a really good time and the first I’ve had since the Wee One was born. We tried watching Pitch Perfect. Your eyes light up and you start to chatter about how much you love it. I wasn’t so into it, but maybe I need to see it from the beginning. “Oh, you totally do,” I hear a voice from behind me. I turn, and see one of the barista’s cleaning the table behind me. “Sorry to eavesdrop, but I love that movie. I recommend you give it another chance.” You talk with her about your favorite parts, and I lean over to get the bottle from my bag. May as well finish off the Irish cream.