Something I was thinking about this morning coincides with the Writing 101 prompt to write about a loss: my birth father and the loss of him, or rather, the absence of him, in my life. I don’t know that I can say “loss,” ‘cause I don’t remember a time I “had” him. I’ve talked about him a bit before, and I’ve said that he’s abusive, but I haven’t gone into detail about what he did.
Sometimes, I don’t even know if it’s abuse, and I usually developed excuses for him. He just didn’t want me. Most of my life he ignored me. (The traitorous little thought pops up: Who says he had to pay attention to you? ) Sometimes, I think I made it up, like maybe it wasn’t that bad. He went to Sun Valley when I was in a coma. (So what? You don’t remember anyway.) Or that time I was almost kicked out of school because he stopped paying. (But you weren’t kicked out.) Or when I was kicked out of the hospital because of his actions. (But he got you into another one.) Most of the time, I think I was responsible for it. The night someone he fucked over waved a gun in my face to threaten him. (That wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t walking by yourself at night.)
Greg (he told me to call him that in junior high) just moved through my life like a smug, self-involved and self-wrapped up force. He would do whatever he did, and the people around him, (or maybe just me and mom) paid the consequences. I was collateral, and things that happened to me were collateral damage.
He hasn’t spoken to me in 13 years and I don’t know what else I could do.
To say that this “hurts” is a pale whisper of a crack compared to the canyon of ache that lives in my core.
The worst part is a treacherous seed of hope that refuses to wash away, that he will someday want me. My internal little person is desperate for her father to love her, for her to be safe with him. Finally, I’m just plain afraid that I’m handling it wrong right now, that I’m making him pay for something that’s my own fault.
So how to handle it? What if there might be ways to reframe what happened to remove some of the sting?
I Didn't Just Wake Up This Morning With A Craving 
Thank you. You’ve given me the courage to write my blog for today.
I’m glad it helped; I look forward to your story. thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.
Very brave of you – inspires me to step out of my shadow to be brave, too.
Thank you, Seeing, but maybe just “getting there” brave. It took me all day to post it to Facebook. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to read and comment – I look forward to seeing you out of your shadow as well.
I understand – me, too! God is able! It will be inspiring to see how He uses those difficult things to encourage others and the retelling of it to heal us and others, as well.
I hear your kid part desperate to discount or reframe what happened. But I also sense that you have an adult part that knows that your kid was both abused and neglected. I am so glad you are sharing this pain with others. That is a major part of healing from it. I look forward to reading the other parts of your trilogy; and other parts of your blog.
Aw, thank you! Yeah, there are both parts, warring. I haven’t quite shared it this raw before; support from comments like yours is really helpful. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
I’m glad to hear that my comment was helpful to you.
And I’m happy that we are both taking Writing 101 and that you decided to follow my blog!
Yup, that’s some dad’s for you. Took me a long time to realize that people really should need a license to even be allowed to bring life into the world. My dad was a very cold, cruel man who ran off with some woman when I was a senior in high school, the oldest of 6 children. Never heard from him again. My sister, who I lost this year, used to say “If you can’t trust your own father, who can you trust” and she was right. Took me a long to really start trusting in the Lord and not other people. You really can do all things through Christ. Good luck and God bless!
Thank you; sorry this happened to you, too. I’m also sorry about your loss this year. 😦 I can totally relate to her trust issues.
brilliant post and im glad you were brave enough.scrolling down i managed to feel lots of emotion in your text.it must still feel raw.
and in our family,particulaly mum and dads we always wnat them to care for us,to love us,to wrap us up and keep us safe becasue this is their jobs really.im sorry you never got the care you deserved.all children need and deserve it.and actually adults too.
i have everything wishing that you now have others in your life who love you,and keep you calm and safe.look to them for you deserve the cared for feeling.
It’s interesting that you talked about it feeling raw: When I was thinking about him yesterday, I was thinking about if or how it will be different after he’s dead. I know I shouldn’t wish he was dead, but if he was, the hope that he’ll look for me will be dead as well. As it is, I’m both terrified he’ll be back in my life and yet so disappointed when he doesn’t appear and neither emotion is pleasant, nor is going between them.
I do have loving people in my life, including a husband I trust completely. I feel so safe with him, which also makes it harder to think about Greg, because I know how safe I WASN’T with him. But it’s good. Thanks again for reading and telling me you could feel the emotion.