There is a Hallmark show, When Calls The Heart, I started watching in Seattle that I pretty much only got into because my girl friends did, but I stayed with it because I liked it and I could watch it in front of my Wee One without worrying about what she saw or heard.
I had an experience Monday that sent me back down a shame spiral; a spiral of despair and loneliness I haven’t felt in a long time. Am I being hyperbolic? Maybe, but I was really upset.
I am not going to go into the whole experience, but it was the kind of situation that I went to meet someone and they weren’t there. It was actually a comedy of errors with miscommunication and we did get together and have lunch, but I’m reflecting on the experience beforehand, in hopes of finding healing.
I was a sensitive child, and I am a sensitive person. I imagine that is what makes me an effective counselor. But I am so embarrassed by that.
I Can’t Stay Mad at You
My birth father doesn’t know about the Wee One. At least, I didn’t tell him, though in these days of internet, he may know. His first grandchild, and he doesn’t know – we haven’t talked in 14 years. In the past, the few times we did talk, I was resentful of him and the years of abuse, but I was also hopeful for reconciliation. Then, when his current wife was reaching out to me, (a really fucking interesting series of conversations there),
Awhile ago I reblogged a post on what it means to date a girl without a father, and I think there needs to be a follow up article on what it means to have a child with a woman without a father. Just like its tricky to date one, its tricky to start a family with one.
Here’s what you need to know:
I am sharing a link to this article because I don’t know that I’ve ever read it put into better words, the way it feels, or rather, the way it feels for me now: The abandonment and abuse of my birth father. I wonder about him and if and how I tie into his family. Can I lose something I don’t know if I had?
…that is the most terrifying thing she has ever learned. If the only man she ever truly needed left when she was not done needing him, it is fair game for anyone else to decide it’s not worth it. For anyone else to decide she’s not worth it.
“Always have a back door” was been my unofficial motto, like, forever. Never be trapped. Never be in a place that I can not handle or get out of on my own. Even after marriage, the lack of trust still crops up, sadly.