If we were having coffee, you would find me shamefaced when you walk in. I had stopped here earlier this week, I tell you. I didn’t have quite enough money, so I took a few pennies from the “leave one/take one” bowl that businesses often put up. `Only it wasn’t a leave one/take on bowl, it was the tip jar, I realized later. I took money from the tip jar. I felt so tacky.
I also brought in a banana to eat this morning, even though they sell them here, which I suppose is also tacky, but my bananas are about to go bad and it seems unreasonable to not eat it just because I’m out. I spend enough money here as it is. I remember, when I was younger, going to bars and restaurants and bringing in my own booze. I only did that a few times and had a great time when I did, but I was a little embarrassed, so I quit.
I also went to IKEA and bought some furniture we’ve been needing since we moved. I put some of it together (flex arm) and Cohiba is doing the rest. It feels so satisfying to have on my “to do” list accomplished. Do you feel like that when you get things done?
If we were having coffee, I’m afraid I would gush for awhile about the Wee One, probably show you some videos. Wee One has been walking more and when she does, she makes the excited little shrieks. They get louder and more frequent as she gets stronger and more confident in her walk. I love it.
Generally, I’ve noticed that I like to watch little people as they learn about and discover the world. They are so earnest and courageous, open; I almost feel like my heart will break from their innocence and vigor. (The ones with security and protection are: God be with the abandoned and abused ones. Is this what breaks my heart?) I am loving this time.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am also torn, afraid that I’m not appreciating it enough or that I’m not doing enough with my life in these early years. I look at jobs on linkedin and volunteer opportunities, and I wonder if I *should* do them. Every day, my stomach hurts, aches, I think from anxiety. I could try to see a doctor and adjust my anxiety meds, but that’s a lot of work. 🙂 Instead, I’m trying to, in answer to that, think more about zen and a zen practice.
I feel weird saying that, you know, because once you think about “being zen” you aren’t anymore. I’m working on stilling my mind, seeing what that does in my body. Swimming is especially helpful with this. I am weightless in this pool, and I can submerge myself and feel the water on my body. I’m also working on improving my breathing, which I used to only do on my right side during the crawl. But then I couldn’t swim conscutive laps, because I was out of breath. So far, I can’t tell how well it’s working in the big picture, but I know I feel good when I get out of the water, which I take to be a good sign.